Despair’s Temperature
by Omnicat
Summary: ...“Tsukasa could still feel the cold and the warmth.”... Of grunties and kitties. Tsukasa’s thoughts after the events in episode 9, ‘Epitaph’.


**Title:** Despair's Temperature

**Author:** Omnicat

**Rating:** K+ / PG

**Genre:** Angst

**Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge:** Up until episode 9, "Epitaph" for the fic itself, but _.hack//SIGN_ in its entirety for the Author's Note.

**Warnings:** Grunty-death in the recent past, implied physical abuse of a child.

**Pairings:** None.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own, nor claim to own, any rights to or profits from _.hack//SIGN_.

**Summary:** ..."Tsukasa could still feel the cold and the warmth."... Of grunties and kitties. Tsukasa's thoughts after the events in episode 9, "Epitaph".

**Author's Note:** Yes, I know Tsukasa's player is a girl in real life. But at the time this is set (during or after episode 9, "Epitaph"), Tsukasa doesn't. So yes, the in-real-life child is referred to as a boy, just like the Player Character Tsukasa. Enjoy!

**II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II**

**Despair's Temperature**

_The sun was setting._

With his back against the wooden wall of one of Dun Loireag's supply shops, he shivered from the icy cold, while the mellow sun washed over his body. The palms of his hands, which he pressed against the same cool wood and were framed in the same fading light, burned from the grunty's body heat.

_Tsukasa could still feel the cold and the warmth._

With his eyes closed it was easy to imagine that the chill that enveloped him was the icy wind, drawing the life from his body with whipping caresses, just as the illness took gulps of the sick grunty's health. Goosebumps rose on his skin.

_It had been a hot day, and he felt feverish in his too warm skin, which seemed too small for his movements. His hands, though, were like clumps of ice. The kitty had been so cold - that was how he knew it was sick._

_His father's silhouette stood out against the burning horizon. He was headed for the nearest ditch, the little boy was sure of it. But though inside he screamed at the big man and pushed him away from the water's edge and pulled and kicked and demanded that he give the small, thin creature back, he couldn't move, and his voice was stuck behind the lump in his throat and couldn't get out. He didn't want the kitty to die, but he was too afraid to do anything to help it._

He'd wanted to help the grunty. He had done everything within his power to find the berries it needed. But though he had, the grunty had still died. Maybe he just wasn't meant for life. Everything he touched was hurt, became sick and corrupted, was destroyed. Tsukasa had lost his innocence, and the pain he carried with him infected all the bright and beautiful things he came into contact with.

He felt so selfish. Selfish for accepting the girl's offer because he wanted to have a sense of purpose in the World, while he should have known he'd never be able to take care of the grunty. Selfish for thinking he'd do better this time, for believing he'd be able to make up for the past. Selfish for letting it fall ill overnight, for not noticing something was wrong, for not staying with it. Selfish for taking so long to get the berries. Unforgivably selfish for feeling sorry for himself while the grunty was dead and the girl had lost her pet.

It was all his fault!

_It was always his fault. The kitty was dead because of him._

"_Selfish kid! Fooling around with that filthy animal while you could have been at home, cleaning up this mess!"_

_His father's hand came down hard._

Tsukasa flinched. Grabbing his staff, he ran. Away from the Player Characters, away from the root town, away from the cruel reality of the World, his tears scorching his cold cheeks.

_The little boy ran, away from the pain and the sadness and the guilt, to the safety of his bed. He didn't notice he was crying until his burning and aching cheek came into contact with the cold, wet patch of tears that drenched his pillow._

**II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II**

**PSAN:** Hope you liked it. ^_^


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